As twenty-something individuals we are scared to feel.

We were brought up believing that sadness, depression and loneliness are feelings that shouldn’t be shown. We are scared to admit inside we are suffering, scared as we look around and everyone else is in happy relationships or enjoying their single status. In reality we are all questioning our decisions, always wondering if the break-ups, staying with that person who drives you insane and the hook-ups were the right decisions. We look to our parents to see if we are doing it right, but the problem is so much as changed since they were young, and two thirds of them have been divorced. We live in a world where being ‘Facebook official’ is the only way we know if we are actually together or just screwing about.

Unlike our parents the majority of us aren’t marrying the first person we fall in love with, so how the hell do we believe there is someone else, someone else to love unconditionally. We all crave to settle down, but none of us are ready to settle, we want fire in our bellies when we love.

Most of us can’t afford our rent, let alone think about buying a house and starting a family with someone. We put everything into our careers, in the hope we will be able to afford to do those things before we reach 35. We want careers we love, we want to enjoy our jobs, because none of us want to be like our parents who came home everyday and complained about their job. All of this comes at a cost and the biggest cost is the relationships we have in our lives.

Growing up in an age where you can settle every argument with a web search, or look up a spelling of a word in seconds sets you up for failure because you can’t ask Google why he didn’t keep his promises, or why he cheated on you.

Intimacy Diaries is what we are all feeling inside, but without the fear of posting it online, it’s the candid feelings of a twenty something girl who is trying to find her way, and has made a lot of mistakes along the way, who is still broken hearted over a guy who her friends would describe as a massive dick wart. Its about claiming the truth on how she feels, instead of constantly being denied the truth by everyone around her, its about being open and honest in a world which is all about portraying something and someone different to who you are. I am not scared to claim my feelings of loss, heartbreak, depression and anxiety. Everyone will deny you the truth, they will make you feel like it didn’t happen or they won’t believe you, but that’s because they aren’t you, they don’t feel like you do so accept your feelings and embrace them, as cliché as it sounds let it build you not break you. 

How do we know we are doing it right?

None of us have the capability to see in the future for certain (and if you do seriously where can I get that power), so when our direction changes, the path we were on gets redirected, we are left unsure where to go. I’ve always found that when you feel the most uncomfortable, and there is no bubble wrap around you, no one to catch you if you fall, is when you truly grow.

Life didn’t come with a manual. Sometimes you have to make a decision and then make a new decision. Why are we so scared to make one, incase it was wrong or incase we have failed, but in reality a choice you have made isn’t forever, just make a new one and redirect your path.

The bubble wrap thats protecting you may not be there one day, anything can change any minute and its safe to say that nothing in life is guaranteed, so make the life you want and do it for yourself, not for who is around you, because the sucky thing about people is they have legs and they can get up and walk away whenever they want to.

After a break-up most people change their life in some way, whether it be going to the gym and loosing all that relationship weight that we all know we put on, some of us colour our hair some wild colour or chop it all off (guilty), others get on a plane and go discover another country and culture, I think that most of us agree that these were the best decisions we made, the ones we made when our path had changed direction.

The older I am getting, the more I realise its about the people who care being in your life, the people who want to see you succeed, the people who care if you get home safe, the people who support your dreams and hopes, the ones that want to climb this ladder with all the twists and obstacles along the way, and no matter what, support you. The people who walk away so easily, who don’t message you just to see how you are, or congratulate you on your achievements, those are the people who are going use their legs and walk away when it suits them.

At night my mind wanders, it wanders to the past and doesn’t understand how that isn’t my future, it wanders to your face, to all the questions still unanswered, to your touch and calming influence, a calm I haven’t felt in my life for a long time.

It hears J-cole’s song in the background playing as you are driving, with the sun on our face as we are bickering if its time for Miley to be played. Everything seemed so easy. You and your friends would laugh at how naive I am, how I always saw the good in everyone, but in reality that was why you loved me, I always had a smile on my face I always saw the bright side of everything.

Until the moment that innocence was taken away, I suddenly realised what you had told me, the world wasn’t full on unicorns and rainbows and there was some real bastards in this world, but when I became cynical like you, and negative and scared of everything and everyone you fell out of love with me. Not only did I believe that this world was full of bastards, I now didn’t believe in love. I lost all hope in the society we live in.

When the nightmares set in I still hear your voice and feel you hugging me so tight that you almost damaged my ribcage, I take my mind back to when everything was better, its an easier way to leave a nightmare to go into a dream, but the disappointment when I wake up and I am on my own, and you aren’t talking to yourself in your sleep or snoring so loudly and there is no arm around me, that’s hard to recover from, no one will ever understand how I miss you, and how I wish you had stayed

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